I’ve been processing some hard truths lately. Bitterness and anger have been my companions but I am kicking my way back into the light with every bit of strength I can muster. I am at war with myself and with the World. Wanting to fight but yet so tired of the battle. Wanting peace and to just be left alone. I want to be known and not so misunderstood.
Perhaps the blame is not all theirs. I’ll own my part. But must the world be so cruel? Must it be so violent and spiteful? I don’t want to start a fuss I want to go about my day and live amongst these foreigners so unlike me and yet so very much the same. I won’t bother them and all I ask in return is the same simple consideration. Why is that so hard? Why is life so very very hard? Still, I fight on. I battle because I must. It is not within me to submit. I am not capable of letting go of the righteous anger that burns in the pit of my stomach.
Still, I crave a peaceable solution. I don’t want to shout. I want to say. “It’s OK. I know your life is hard too. Can we not live this pain together and share in peace?” I don’t want to punch. I want to place my hand on theirs and say. “You, too? What hard battle are you fighting?” I want to soothe their wounds and leave them be to heal as they will. I want to cry and yell at the mountains until they shake and I want to beat the waves until they finally submit. For this life is not fair. It is unjust and wrong.
And then I stop and I think. These battles have already been won.
Why am I fighting so hard against this life when truthfully they are not even my battles to fight. Indeed, He who created the heavens and the Earth and set the stars to sparkling is quietly whispering, “be still. let me go this round. You are weak but I still have strength. let me fight for you. I can win.” So I stop and I cry tears of deep relief and I hold out my shaking hands and I gently place them in his. I turn my face slowly upwards and I see a tear-stained face that matches my own staring back at me. For my pain is His pain. He holds my hands softly and bends down to kiss me on the forehead. Like a father softly soothing his daughter after a broken heart. I take deep breaths and allow His peaceful presence to wash me anew.
The darkness fades and the cool stream of grace comes flowing in. I slowly return to the light. The rage subsides and while there is still sadness it is a different sadness. One of longing for a World without battles and scars and pain. Not a sadness for myself but a melancholy for this world of broken people. This World is not easy, fair, or kind. I don’t ask it or expect it to be – or rather I shouldn’t. It is my job, my passion, and purpose to be the light when there is not but darkness. to shine amidst the doldrums, and to walk a path of grace. My enemies may never cease, but blessedly neither does He.
What hard battles are you fighting dear ones?
Perhaps you can sit this round out and let He who is more than conqueror take your place. May you find peace and rest in knowing He has already won.